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with it, it might at least get us out of this cell."
You have no idea how relieved I was to hear him say that.
"I don't know." Josh grinned, a little of his old self shining through. "You don't know what you're
missing. Troll babes can be pretty hot."
I laughed. "And I was worried what Mom would think when I brought Leanne home to meet her."
Leanne looked at me sidewise, a wicked glint in her eye. "I wouldn't stop worrying on that account yet,
Bumper."
I wisely kept my mouth shut.
The guards snapped to attention again, a sure sign that Snit had returned with my bride to be. I guess I
should have expected the unexpected. You'd think by now I would have learned.
Snit stopped just outside the cell with Rant at his left side and the chief's daughter on his right. "Mr.
Decker, meet Tirade."
57
DARKSIDE
Tirade was absolutely stunning. She made Aine look awkward and Leanne clumsy. Flaming red hair
hung in neat tangles to the small of her back. Emerald green eyes sparkled above a cute pixie nose and full,
pouty lips; her skin was lightly tanned, smooth and unblemished. Her figure was the epitome of the female
femme fatal, drawn by Disney and made flesh; Tinkerbell, or more aptly, Jessica Rabbit. Of course, she was
only four feet tall.
Tirade studied me, her eyes traveling my body from head to toe, then turned to her father. "Ya wants
me ta marry dis?"
I guess she put me in my place.
"But what's wrong with him, my dear?" Snit asked.
She looked back at me and shook her head. "Nice legs--shame about 'is face."
Josh, Leanne, and Thomas ran for the window. Poor Charlie had to bite his arm to keep from laughing
out loud.
Rant looked embarrassed. "I know he's not what you'd call handsome, but..."
"Handsome!" Tirade stuttered. "Look at dat tiny little head. And dose beady eyes, like a dead sunfish
dey is. And youse call dat a nose? How s he s'posed to pleasure 'is new bride wit a nose like dat?"
I don't know about you, but that was way more than I wanted to know about trolls.
"But Tirade, he's an Eternal. He can be anything you want him to be."
Tirade stamped her pretty little foot impatiently. "Some Eternal. He can't even break outta jail."
"He's new, dear. He's hasn't developed yet. You could train him."
That perked her up. Telling a new bride she's got a man she can train is like telling a Jehovah s
Witness you're just dying to learn how to make Christ your personal savior.
But he s so tall, she pouted.
He doesn t have to be, Leanne piped up. He can be as tall, or as short, as you like.
If I could have just fit her arm or leg through the bars of the window, I m sure the sunlight would have
done wonders for her disposition. What are you talking about? I asked.
She smiled sweetly at me. How tall are you now?
About five foot ten, I guessed.
And how tall were you when you died?
Five-seven. I saw her point. Once I learned to control my self-image on a conscious level, I could
look pretty much any way I wanted to. The thought kind of creeped me out, and frankly I found the whole
thing rather far-fetched. Which was probably why I couldn t do it yet.
You mean he wanted ta be dat tall? Tirade stared at me like I was a three-headed goat or something,
which probably would have been an improvement in her books. Apparently I d failed to live up to her low
standards on all accounts. She stomped her foot again and crossed her arms. I won t do it, an ya can t makes
me!
Not even for yer dear old Da? Rant pleaded. He smiled at his daughter, then picked at the bits of
rotting meat stuck between his teeth with a gnarled claw. If we had an Eternal wit us, we could kick Clan
Crag s butt s right back to dem mountains dey's always bragg n about.
But Da, I already has a boyfriend.
An I love im like he s me own, Rant said solemnly, but yer a chieftain s daughter, and sometimes
ya got to put yer own personal wants an' desires aside an do what s fer da good a da Clan.
Tears welled up in Tirade's almond-shaped eyes, but her father stood fast. I won t do it, she cried,
and ran sobbing up the stairs and from the dungeon.
It s all settled then, Snit said. The ceremony will take place at the Blood Moon ritual. It will be a
double ceremony, after which we will provide you with a thousand troops to march on Tae Con Ra. The
chieftain will want his new bride--and son-in-law--well protected.
58
DARKSIDE
Thomas moved from the window to the cell bars to stand before the Mage and the chieftain. Begging
your pardon, but by then it will be too late to rescue our friend.
Nonsense, Snit said. You will leave just before the reception--it appears there s going to be a
shortage of good food anyway--and will travel by the Hidden Ways. You will arrive in plenty of time to
attempt a rescue.
I tried desperately to think of a way out, but nothing came to mind. None of my friends came to my
rescue either.
We will come fer ya just before da ceremony, Rant said as they made for the exit. He looked almost
as glum as I felt. It seemed as though Snit was the only one happy with our little arrangement.
But I need time to prepare, I shouted at their retreating backs.
Snit turned on the stairs to face me. We will come for you an hour before the ceremony. That should
give you plenty of time to prepare. He grinned evilly. But none to escape. You ll never make it to Tae Con
Ra without us to take you through the Hidden Ways.
I lay back on my bunk, unable to believe the mess I d gotten myself into. Thomas sat at the corner
again, trying to keep a straight face. At least someone was enjoying himself.
It looks like you are to be wed, my friend. There s only one thing that bothers me.
Only one? You re just not thinking about it hard enough then. He stared at me expectantly for a
moment, until finally I asked, Well, what is it?
He grinned down at me. Can I be your best man?
59
DARKSIDE
CHAPTER TEN
My friends left me to my own thoughts for a while. I think they got the hint that I d like to be alone
after I punched Thomas in the eye. It was turning out to be a nice shiner too. I guess bards bruise easily.
Before long, however, Leanne came and sat with me. She brushed her dark hair out of her eyes, leaned
over, and kissed me lightly on the cheek. I m sorry, she said. Vampires can be a little sadistic at times, and
the Faerie aren t much better.
And you re a woman to boot, I added.
Leanne cuddled in closer and rested her head on my shoulder. An evil combination if ever I saw one.
I m not really mad, I said, and sighed. I m just...exasperated. I can t believe I m getting married,
and to a troll no less.
But I was right about her being hot, wasn t I? Josh said as he joined us.
Actually, yeah. How the hell did that happen?
Leanne gently caressed my face with her delicate hands. Trolls have been abducting women as brides
for millennia, and only the most beautiful women at that. It s something in the genes, probably to do with the
incompatibility of X or Y chromosomes, or that extra Z chromosome that trolls have, but a female child born
of a troll male and a human female always appear human, although rather a lot shorter in stature. Or maybe
it s just magic. No one knows for sure, but that s the way it works out.
What about male children? I asked.
They can be either troll or human in appearance, Josh said. And as you ve no doubt guessed, there
haven t really been any offspring attributed to Troll females and human males. Their women find us
somewhat...hideous.
You're taking this rather well all of a sudden, I said to Josh. After all, your daughter is still
marrying Rant.
Relax, my ugly duckling, Leanne teased. No one s marrying anyone. Thomas has seen it.
So why am I the only one left in the dark?
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